Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
