I am midnight drunk by noon
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
