She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
