I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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