sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want her autograph on my taint
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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