Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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