Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Vodka?
Forever.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
