i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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