Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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