I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
