Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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