i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
