I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
