apparently the secret to your success is patron
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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