I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
