4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
