Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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