My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
