got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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