If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
