Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
