Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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