Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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