Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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