Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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