he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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