I met the friendliest cop last night
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize