watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
