I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I believe in your delicious
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
