Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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