Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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