We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
