Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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