Who did Billy Mays play for?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
