You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I understand Curling. That high.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
