i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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