She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
