how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
