I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
