I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
