that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
