How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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