I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
