a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So vagazzling was a success
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
