Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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