took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
