i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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