every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
