I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
