He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize