please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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