I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think I just sharted jello shots
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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