i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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