Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize