Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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