Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize