I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
