That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize