so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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