I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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