He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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