Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
