dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
