Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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