How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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