I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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