I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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