theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
