She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
