Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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