I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
