Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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