I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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