Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
