and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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