he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
