I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
